I’ve been pretty silent over here for the past few weeks.
Lots of change has been happening, and when I’m deep in the throes of transformation, usually the last thing I want to do is blast it all out into the world. It was time for me to shut down, decompress, and internally digest the shifts that have come.But now I’m nearing the other side, and so I want to tell you what’s been going on.
First, and most obvious: the change of my name from “Amy” to “Amie.” Long story short: I am named after a song, and the song spells it “Amie.” After having a son named “Scot” with one T, my mother decided she had enough of people not being able to spell his name and went for the most traditional variation of Amy. My dad wasn’t aware of this until months after I was born.
I’ve never really loved the name “Amy,” and so I have decided, as a result of my sankalpa (Be WILD and UNABASHED), that it’s time to right the spelling to its original intent: Amie.
So here I am.
Also I turned 30. And this seemed like a great time to change my name. Along with turning 30, I feel like a totally different person. My recent training and all of my current studies are pointing me in the direction of the divine feminine. What does this mean, really? It means I am reclaiming my femininity, my power, my boldness, my wildness and going all out to become the person I have always wanted to be. Some people fear 30, but I have been thrilled about it – and sure enough, I feel renewed.
And finally. This I bring to you with some hesitation, because there is so much judgment surrounding the topic of food and diet.
I will start by saying that I have struggled with disordered eating. From age 14 to 26, my body image was distorted, my dietary habits unpredictable and unhealthy, and my body wrecked as a result. Through yoga and a strong will, I gave up weighing myself, running, all food restrictions, and decided I would just eat whatever and learn to love my body whatever shape it took.
And I did. I am very proud of this four year time period in my life and for successfully ridding myself of my unhealthy obsession with food, calories, exercise, etc.
BUT. But. Something didn’t feel right. Although my obsessions were gone, I now fed my body with whatever was convenient. And I have a husband who freaking loves pepperoni pizza. So I was learning to love my body while eating gobs of pizza and whatever was easily available so I didn’t have to think about it.
Not exactly the healthiest of lifestyles.
For the past two years or so, I have been considering various cleanses, but a voice in the back of my head kept telling me no. So when Greta Hill gave an incredible Ayurveda talk at my latest teacher training – in a way I could totally understand and relate to – and then just a month later ran an Ayurveda-based online cleanse, I felt it was my time.
It took a lot of internal debate to sign up. Right away, I posted in our group forum that I was nervous considering my eating history, but that I was ready to finally treat and love my body as the temple that it is, rather than shove whatever was convenient in my face.
Everyone was supportive. I was terrified.
But for two weeks, my friends – two weeks – I successfully eliminated grains, nuts, eggs, dairy, alcohol, caffeine, refined sugar, and all animal products.
Okay, well I had one vegan cupcake on my birthday, but it was so totally worth it. You only turn 30 once, you know.
Yesterday was my last day. And how do I feel? I feel incredible.
I am a firm believer in moderation. And I am a firm believer that you can have your cake and eat it, too.
But I think, sometimes, to find moderation, you must go to extremes.
And I’ve seen many extremes, in my weight, my lifestyle, my exercise patterns.
But I can tell you I have never felt as healthy or as in love with my body as I do today.
And you know what? I was able to do all of this without becoming obsessed. I was aware and focused and I ate much more than what was on “the plan” – and I feel great.
More than that, though, this has been an experience of moving through shame for me. For me, when I was in a disordered eating state, I was ashamed of eating anything unhealthy, or to be seen eating at all. Eating was something I could only do in private, like it was some deep dark secret. And in my healing process, it was the opposite. I felt shame for even considering modifying my food. I felt shame for wanting to be a vegetarian, or a vegan, or wanting my body to be different than it was, because I should just love me as who I am.
Well, today I have no more shame. It is not shameful to eat unhealthy foods, nor is it shameful to eat healthily. It is not shameful to eat cake every day for breakfast, or shameful to go on a cleanse.
So many people will have so many opinions on your diet or your personal choices. And for the longest time I’ve just wanted to please everyone.
And now – I’ve firmly decided I have no one to please but myself.
And this is my WILD and UNABASHED truth.
So, my friends, the truth of the matter is:
I am 30, I am Amie, and I now fucking love my blender and all the green juices.
And quite frankly, I’m very proud of who I’ve become.
To all of you: may you find freedom from shame in all of your choices. May you go to extremes to find moderation if you must. May you listen to your own internal compass and ignore the cries of others leading you away from what you know to be right for you.
May you live your life WILDLY and UNABASHEDLY.