I hate cooking.
Yet every goddamn year, like some sort of glutton for punishment, I resolve to cook more. “It will save me money,” I think. “I will be healthier,” I think. And in all of my positive, idealistic notions of health and wellness, I forget how much I hate cooking.
First of all, cooking requires “planning.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a great planner – but I’d much rather be plotting my next yoga class or planning my next world domination tactic, not thinking about what I’m going to eat for dinner. My brain likes the big picture, not the measly details.
So inevitably, I delay planning my meals and forget all about eating until I am so hungry I will cut you. Then I rush to the kitchen and shove whatever I can into my mouth, even if it doesn’t taste good. And I’m always regretting it later on, when my methodical, patient, wise husband takes a good 45 minutes to prepare his healthy, broccoli infused delicious meal, and here I shoved a few carrots and a tub of sour cream down my throat. (But hey – beta-carotene, am I right?)
Anyway, so it’s January 24th and I’ve all but neglected this resolution, as usual. I’ve also neglected to write here more often, to submit blogs to outside genius marketing agencies, and to write daily on my memoir of being a wild and unabashed freak. Basically, I’m only really succeeding at staying alive and not murdering my dog for bringing mud into the house for the third time in a single day.
So, dear friend, I have decided that I shall subject you to my cooking debacles. Because if I am going to suffer through this whole “I promised my husband I would cook two nights a week thing,” then you might as well suffer along with me.
Today I made a burrito bowl. That’s right guys: a god damn burrito that’s not in a flour wrap, but in a bowl instead. That you eat with a fork.
Call me crazy, but burritos have never been my jam. But put that burrito in a bowl and you’ll have me at hello.
And considering burrito bowls are pretty much the easiest thing to make, I’ve been making this semi regularly.
I’d like to give credit to whomever inspired me to make this, but honestly I have no idea. It was probably Cookie and Kate. She came to my class once and I fan-girled so hard and asked to take a selfie with her, and I’m pretty sure she’s never coming back. But either way, I told my mother, and bless her heart, she has decided that not only does Cookie and Kate make the world’s best recipes and she shall spend every day trying a new one on her site, but that, in fact, Kate is her new best friend and she’s going to set her up with my brother. Never mind the fact that Kate and my brother live half the country away from each other; my mom is all like, “Kate has a dog! Scot likes dogs! They’re both vegetarians! THEY ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER!”
So, my mother sends me recipes of Kate’s nearly every day, and I’m sure this was one of them. Kate – if you’re reading this, thanks for your inspiration and I’m sorry about my mother and our selfie. If you come back to yoga I’ll play it cool, promise.
So here’s how to make a fucking burrito in a bowl.
Step 1: Saute the fuck out of some vegetables. I choose broccoli and red peppers because that’s what I found at the bottom of our vegetable drawer, whom my husband forgets we have because he always just puts the vegetables in the middle of the fridge. Why do you do that, Keith? Why?
Step 2: Rinse some beans. My mother insists that you rinse them because otherwise the goo that comes in the can stays on them. I’ve never noticed, but since then I can’t stop imagining the goo on my beans so I’m now a regular rinser. She’ll be so proud.
Steps 3, 4, and 5: Well I didn’t really take photos of the whole process because I was laser focused on creating this dope ass meal and figuring out how I would entertain you with the process. But anyway, grab some rice out of the plastic bag in your fridge that you made last week, microwave it with some corn and those beans you strained, and throw it in a bowl. Add some salsa that you bought at Aldi and the remnants of an almost over-ripe avocado. Throw in your sauteed AF vegetables and take a photo of that motherfucker and post it to instagram, stat. People need to know you’ve provided a healthy, gluten free, vegan meal for your family.
Step 18: Secretly add sour cream and chips after you’ve posted your photo. No one needs to know, and that’s how you’ll actually choke down those vegetables.
Step whatever: eat that shit. And eat it quickly, before your cats jump on the table and decide they’ll share it, too.
So there you have it, my friends. An easy AF burrito in a bowl recipe that will have people making you think you’re super clever and also super healthy. Don’t worry, I’ll keep the sour cream and the chips as our little secret.