I’m out here, sitting outside in Tanner’s garden, waiting for magic. I’m trying to remember what magic feels like. I felt it once and it felt like everything but now it feels so heavy and dark and nothing is right. I can’t even light the darn palo santo because of the wind so it’s just here and I’m thinking maybe everything I’ve believed in is bullshit, that it’s all a lie, that spirits don’t exist and it’s something we make up so that we have something to believe in when the shit rains down.
This morning a fellow yoga teacher asked me how I was and I cried. We’re supposed to say we’re good because no one actually wants to hear when you’re suffering because who has time for that? But I cried and she was nice and she hugged me and then I had to go teach, and it was a great class and I could see it that magic that these people experienced, the magic that they felt better and relieved so if I can give that to them then why can’t I find it myself?
I’m sitting here looking for it and there’s nothing.
Sunday is my birthday. I will be 29. I will be 29 and it’s my last year in my twenties so I feel like I should have fun and enjoy and travel and be free spirited and finally go to Europe but there won’t be any Europe because we have a house and we decided to remodel the bathroom and it’s over a month later and seriously every part of our house is still a mess. And Sunday my stepson is coming for two months and we can’t even get into his room because it’s so full of bathroom shit and it’s not like he can sleep on the couch because there’s no room there either. And Keith and I aren’t speaking or when we are it’s yelling because I feel trapped and stuck and Keith feels trapped and stuck and to top it all off Tanner isn’t here – he was the one thing that made me feel better when everything was going wrong but he’s gone.
So I’m out here sitting in this stupid garden with unlit palo santo and a stick of selenite which is supposed to clear negative energy and I held it in our wedding but I don’t feel any better, I don’t feel magic, and I’m thinking I should stop reading all of those books about trauma and yoga for now because there’s too much. This is too much negativity and I’m not handling it well.
The only thing I really want to do is run away but I know that’s what I do. I stay and I shut up and I try to handle it until I can’t handle it anymore and then I’m gone. And while this shitstorm of emotions is happening so many other parts of my life are good – my career is going good, my project is taking off and I want to be excited and happy that something is right in my life but I’m not. I’m heartbroken. I’m stressed. I’m overwhelmed.
And I’m trying to distinguish between selfishness and self care because it feels like it would be self care to go stay in the woods by myself right now but isn’t that selfish too because we hardly get my stepson and two months isn’t a long time and I work at night when he’s home and isn’t that just an excuse to run away again, because that’s my pattern, because that’s what I do.
So really I don’t know much. Except I’m sitting here, searching for magic. And I’m not finding it right now but I’m going to keep searching, because quite honestly I don’t know any other option.