I have written and re-written the same blog post about 40 times – most of the drafts in my head, only about 5 actually written out.
Yet I’ve realized that it seems like I’m mostly apologizing for my choices – or rather, trying to explain them. As if I could possibly change the minds of others through a simple blog post… As if I could possibly get someone else to see things from a different perspective, if they weren’t already trying to look. My husband says I talk a lot, and that’s true. I have a lot of thoughts and ideas and I want to convey them. I want to connect with you through mutual respect and shared understanding.
And I get so frustrated when others don’t see what I see – not because I’m correct, but because I see the bigger picture and not just the detail you’ve zoomed in on. And I want you to know and I want you to get it, but the truth is, if you wanted to see it you probably would have already.
So I’m not hitting publish. I’m saving my breath trying to convince you to broaden your horizon, and I’ll pray that God gives me the ability to let go of this compulsion to tell you. I’ll pray for the art of acceptance, for the art of silence, for the art of living to my own standards and no one else’s and being okay with you never understanding it.
And yes I realize how ironic this is to say so many words to announce that I’m saying nothing, but I was never good at being quiet.