I’ve decided to write a follow up to my “Holy fuck it happened” post – not because anything super dramatic has happened, but because I feel I owe you that much after such an intense post. (Not sure what I’m talking about? Read my original post here.)
In fact, I’m following up precisely because nothing super dramatic did happen. What you read is the extent of it.
For about six weeks after I took those workshops, I was an emotional wreck. I wasn’t quite sure what to think or how to process… really… anything. It took me a while to find a therapist who I felt would fit with me, and when I did I started going to discover… nothing.
Well, not nothing, exactly. But that yes – I have some trauma in my life – but no, it’s not really affecting my day-to-day interactions. Do I have a little anxiety? Sure. Do I have some unhealthy coping mechanisms and an obsession with numbers and cleanliness and perfection? Yep. But do any of these control my life anymore? No.
I’ve already wiped out all of my unhealthy coping mechanisms, that developed either on their own or as a result of my personal history. So – to the extent of my realizations, the shock was mostly in recognizing where it (might have) all came from.
I think that, to a certain extent, I knew that some things I experienced weren’t normal – but here’s the thing. People are WILDLY resilient. They can adapt in the poorest of situations. Have you read that book by … oh I can’t remember the author, or the name of the book, either, for that matter. But it’s about a prisoner who uses mindfulness to be free in the most poor of situations. Okay okay I never read it either but I KNOW about it, and the concept is spot on! We are resilient creatures and we have the power of thought, which can transform any situation.
And it’s not even like I was in prison or was made to eat my own poop or anything like that. I have a really great family. Even my brother is pretty great. (Well he locked me in a cardboard box once and sat on top and I’m sure that’s when I developed claustrophobia.. And one time we were playing in the l backyard and I had my mouth open to say something and he slam dunked a fistful of leaves in my mouth and I choked… And he used to fart on my face… But that’s neither here nor there. Really, he turned out to be a pretty nice guy.)
Anyway, so what I realized is, all of the negative events that came out of this developmental trauma are already DEALT with. My eating disorder is gone. My OCD tendencies and perfectionism are (relatively) under control. I’m happily married to a pretty great dude and I have a rockin’ herd of animals to love and snuggle.
What I mean to say is – the past can’t hurt you. It can only hurt you to the extent that you develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, and mine were/are already (mostly) solved.
The biggest shocker for me was the recognition that hey – I have trauma. Hey – to other people, maybe some crap I dealt with wasn’t normal. But hey – to me, it was, and you know what? I turned into a pretty awesome person, if I do say so myself.
Anyway, so I thought you might want to know what came of all of it, so there you have it. Life isn’t so bad. And if you’re letting the past drag on you… Well, 1. Get a good therapist. Hopefully that’s covered by insurance, because that shit is expensive. And 2. Think positively! You create your reality with your thoughts. “Choose the good ones!”
Peace out until next time, homeslices.