I haven’t written in a bit, and to be honest, it’s because I feel like I can’t be honest. It feels like when I open up and share authentically, inevitably I get ripped apart. I believe my words have forged more connections than disconnections, more positive than negative. Yet it’s always the negative that sticks out like a sore thumb.
I have many things to talk about. I am feeling more deeply than I have in a while, and my thoughts and opinions are growing clearer while my meditation more still. These are good things. Yet I’m hesitant to share my opinion on nearly anything for fear of offending someone.
Inside my heart of hearts, I know that my opinion ultimately has nothing to do with how another person reacts. Yet knowing this information doesn’t take away from the hurt inflicted by broken relationships. I know, too, that my being stuck in this emotion is an indicator of the work I need to do on myself. My inability to get past this and be authentic, anyway, says much more about my own faults than it does about anyone who has criticized me.
And yet I still get frustrated with my observations. The things I want to tell you but feel restricted from telling you, because someone else might guilt me on top of my increasing guilt already. Opinions. Parenting. Materialism. Marketing. MONEY. Oh, that’s a big one right now. I have so many things I want to tell you. So many nuances that I know 90% of you would resonate with and another connection made. But it is the discomfort of vulnerability, of being seen, that holds me back.
This blog has been my way of processing my emotions, and getting feedback from others has been my way of validating myself. Maybe it’s time for me to keep a journal instead of a blog. To stop needing the validating and get comfortable with being who I am.
Maybe the next time I’m here, I will be able to boldly step into my shoes. “I AM AMY AND THIS IS MY OPINION.” Maybe.