I have had, and/or been offered, to have several different types of experiences lately. All of these experiences which will elevate me in some way, whether it is to become more authentic, increase my vibrations, or allow me to see in the world in a way I haven’t seen it yet. These experiences cause me to be more raw, more open, more vulnerable, more authentic.
Which is, really, fantastic. I am honored to be in the presence of so many gifted healers, of so many individuals in my life who understand, acknowledge, and support me on my journey.
But it doesn’t always feel so good.
And some of them, I outright deny – I don’t know that I’m prepared for all of these shifts, happening at once.
It feels just like I did back in September, when I nixed my meditation practice because it felt like I was eerily creepy to unlocking some door that I could never go back through. (You can read that blog here.)
When I do have these experiences, too, I push back a bit. I don’t fully let go. I get stuck in my head. Or, I let go, a little, open myself up, to feel completely raw and open and shitty.
A vulnerability hangover (thanks, Micara!).
I keep talking about this concept of vulnerability, of opening myself up, but I have large pools of resistance just hanging around, waiting to dunk me in whenever a new opportunity presents itself. I’ve actually stopped practicing yoga at home recently, formerly my favorite way to practice, because it’s getting too personal. There are big shifts and big changes happening, and what if I’m not ready? How can I undo it if I decide I don’t like where I end up?
I know I’m headed there anyway, and I know it’s where I need to be, and I know it’s just a matter of time. I’ll just continue to inch toward it, to toe that line, to walk in slowly instead of jumping in head first. I’m just not sure my body would survive the shock of it all.
Maybe it’s my resistance to being “the weird girl,” as well. As long as I remember, I have never been “normal”. I think differently, I act differently, and while it’s never stopped me from having friends or being accepted, I have always felt like the outcast – even in my closest, most intimate relationships.
But I think it’s time for me to embrace that.
Until then, I’ll move forward, cautiously, immersing myself in blankets and self-sabotaging behavior between each new experience.